Building Self Confidence: Do You Really Want Success?

My 9-year-old daughter started basketball in November, and it’s brought back a lot of old memories watching her try a new sport. She reminds me of myself – out there on the court acting as if she wants the ball when really she doesn’t. She thinks she’s fooling the coach and the onlookers, but everyone knows she’s hiding just behind someone else so her teammates will never throw her the ball.

Why doesn’t she want the ball? Because she’s not sure what she’d do with it if she got it. She lacks confidence. At best, she’d pass it right back to the person who gave it to her, at worst she’d dribble it and get it stolen, or perhaps she might have the courage to turn and shoot, but she’d probably miss because she hasn’t developed shooting skills yet.

So, she plays the game without really playing it. She runs up and down the court, stands in the spot the coach told her to stand in and hopes and prays no one throws her the ball. At least that’s what I did when I was her age, and for all indications, I’d bet money she’s thinking the same thoughts.

It took years of practice and playing before I ever felt confident enough to really want the ball. It was one thing to get open and play because I knew I should. It was another to really want the ball and go after it.

I realize everyone isn’t this way though. Some kids ooze confidence from the get-go. They don’t care that they might shoot and miss or get the ball stolen. They’re out in the fray making the action happen – playing the game with not a shred of worry about mistakes. They hustle. And hustling makes up for a multitude of blunders.

In life, I think there are these same types of people – those of us who are scared to take risks and really put ourselves out there and those who hustle – who are willing to just do it, go with their gut and let the chips fall where they may.

What type of person are you? Do you wait to take action until every “t” is crossed or do you just run with your ideas and see where they take you? Do you pretend to play the game when really you’re holding back and hiding from success? Or are you putting everything you have into it, giving no thought to failure?

After spending most of my youth in timidity, I finally decided to go for what I wanted when I went away to college. It was a chance to reinvent myself and be someone different. I made friends, I got married, I had children, I built businesses and over time I learned that the “go for it, even if you don’t have all the details” mentality works. Those who wait for everything to be perfect, take very little action, and as a result produce very little.

Yet occasionally, I still find myself hiding from the ball. “You’re not good enough,” runs through my mind. That’s what I said about singing. My favorite stress buster is to go for a drive alone and belt along with radio or CD's. I’ve always wished I was the type of singer who felt confident performing in front of others. I don’t want to be a superstar, just be able to sing without embarrassment.

Then, in August of 2005, I took one of my best friends to my parents’ house. My dad has a small recording studio in their home and since Cathy sings a lot in church, I thought she’d enjoy being recorded. It turned out beautifully, and Cathy was able to fulfill her lifelong dream of being recorded. She flew back to Utah with her very own CD in hand.

It looked so fun, that I decided I’d like to give it a try. I’d never really heard myself sing. I thought I was hitting the notes, but who really knows until you’ve heard yourself recorded. A couple months later when I heard Norah Jones singing “Don’t Know Why” on the radio, I started singing along and realized the song was in my range. So I downloaded it off Musicmatch and recorded my voice… just to see what it sounded like.

While I discovered that I’m no Norah Jones, I could hit the notes. So I practiced and went to my parents’ house and asked my dad to record me. I don’t think he expected much. After we’d gotten the song recorded he said, “I owe you an apology. I’ve been telling everyone you can’t carry a tune in a bucket!” He was going by what I sounded like as a small child. He’d never heard me sing as an adult. I guess 13 years of piano lessons had trained my ear more than either of us realized.

This whole experience taught me that if you’ve always wanted to do something, go for it! Where there is desire to do a thing, there is power to do that thing. Don’t let your lack of confidence hold you back. Even if you make mistakes, at least you can say you tried. And if it’s that important to you, you can practice until you’re good enough. Perseverance and determination develop talent over time… even if you don’t know you’re doing it.

For 2006, I’m going to sit down and write a few things that I’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t, and act on them. How about you? What have you always wanted to do that you were too chicken to try? Go for it! You might be pleasantly surprised.

For the curious... here's a couple of my recordings. Don't worry, I don't plan on quitting my day job! And yes, I do know I don't hit all the notes perfectly. :) But I had fun and that's really the whole point of playing the game, isn't it?

Marnie L. Pehrson is a wife, mother of 6, author and consultant who helps talented professionals deliver their message to the online world through sites like IdeaMarketers.com, BelieversAtWork.com, 1ChapterFree.com, and more. Visit her projects through http://www.pwgroup.com and read her books at http://www.MarniePehrson.com.

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